On paper, my bereavement leave has ended. My out-of-office is off. I’m back at my desk. But the truth is, I don’t quite know who I am here anymore.
I’m not the person I was before. That version of me didn’t carry this loss. This version of me is still trying to understand what it means to live—and work—without someone who mattered so much.
the uninvited desk mate
Grief doesn’t stay outside the workplace. It comes in with me. It sits quietly beside me in meetings, drifts through half-written emails, and catches me off guard in ordinary moments.
Some days I can concentrate. Other days, even small tasks feel distant and unfamiliar. What makes it harder is not always knowing what I need:
- The need for distraction: There are moments when I want to stay busy—because focusing on something practical gives me a break from the weight of what’s happened.
- The need for acknowledgement: And there are moments when I want my loss to be seen—because carrying it silently can feel incredibly lonely.
Sometimes, work gives shape to the day. A sense of purpose. A reason to get up and keep going. And sometimes, I arrive already exhausted—from the effort of coping—and there is very little left to give
Grief shifts. It changes from hour to hour, day to day. There isn’t a clear pattern to follow, no steady sense of progress.
navigating the unspoken
Alongside that internal shift, there is an acute awareness of others. I find myself wondering how I’m being seen now:
- Whether people expect me to be “back to normal.”
- Whether my quietness, or my distraction, is noticed—or misunderstood.
- I notice what is said, and I notice what isn’t.
All of this becomes part of returning. Not just to work, but to a version of life that no longer feels the same.
I’m still here. I still care about what I do. I still want to contribute. But I am carrying something heavy. And I am learning, slowly, how to carry it in a world that keeps moving.
you are not alone
At space2grieve, we recognise that grief doesn’t follow a timeline, and it doesn’t look the same from one person to the next.
If any part of this feels familiar, please know that you are not alone in it. There is no single, correct way to be “back.” Finding your way forward is a gradual process, one day at a time.
If you are struggling with your return to work, we can support you. Give us a call.
