I lost my beautiful soulmate, Howie, 2 years ago on 2nd January 2022. Howie suffered a sudden heart attack. He had never been ill, he was a fit 55 year old, he wasn’t overweight nor did he smoke. There were no warning signs; it just happened tragically & suddenly. One minute we were having the most magical Christmas & New Year, and the next he was gone.
Time seems to have stood still over the last two years, yet at the same time it has also flown by as I have tried to make my way along a grief journey I never thought I would be taking at this time in my life.
the first year of loss was raw: I was in shock, just surviving and hanging on to life myself
We had a charmed and beautiful life together; and one through my loss and grief I treasure and am forever grateful for. I had 33 years with my soulmate, my ‘rock’, which I have come to realise is not the case for many people. This has definitely helped my grief journey. I have a lifetime of memories and happiness, and the comfort that we always tried to live our lives to the fullest.
I found that the first year the loss was raw; I was in shock and just surviving and hanging on to life myself. My grief showed in my face, my actions and tears were always there. The first anniversary of Howard’s death was so very hard, but as I entered the second year I felt my grief deepened. The sense of loss became very real and there was an emptiness, a deep loneliness and an anger that the life we had planned together had been taken away from us both. I hit a deep low and it was at this point I reached out to space2grieve.
having space2grieve support helped me understand my grief and my feelings
Although I had had therapy in the first year, the grief I felt in the second year was so very different. The one to one sessions with space2grieve proved invaluable, helping me not only deal with my sudden loss, but also how I felt sadly let down by his immediate family. This was something I had never anticipated and it affected me mentally and emotionally and made the healing process impossible.
Having space2grieve support helped me understand my grief and my feelings and gave me the opportunity to talk freely to someone who was kind, completely unbiased, had no agenda and just listened to everything I had to say on that particular day. As time passed I felt stronger and ready to return to my work and social life.
I do, however, continue to have some days that are my ‘quiet’ days when I just need to find peace and solitude. On these days I walk our lovely little dog on my own, I meditate, I try to switch off and find rest. I teach yoga and my understanding of finding an alternative way of switching off and being kind to myself has helped so much.
I’m still navigating life on my own. I have an incredible family and beautiful, kind friends who are there whenever I need them, and for this I will be eternally grateful. I don’t think I will ever accept Howie’s death nor will I ever truly understand why we lost him when we did. But I do know that his memory, his love and his spirit is with me forever. I miss him very much every single day, I still feel his presence and I will always treasure our incredibly charmed and beautiful life together.
